Back in the hospital yesterday. Looks like we may be sliding down the last hill. Hard to know. She's eating well and it wasn't until my dad stopped eating that he really began the process of dying in ernest. I wish there was someone knowledgeable who could give us a best guess of what was happening. Nothing to nail their feet to the floor on, just a best guess.

As this person dies in front of me, I feel secure that once she gets to the "other side" she'll stay put. I have no fear of her returning to pester me about anything going on in this life. I recently posed the question to a theologian about "conscienceness enduring after death." My real concern is for my offender who is a rageful energy that has afflicted my life on this side of the "veil" with tremendous pain (both psychological and physical). I have to wonder if her tremendous energy will endure after death and come back to use itself against me. That is, will she haunt me? The theologian suggested the same thing a psychologist once posed. That is that the person only lives on in this realm in my internal promptings. That I could imagine a presence or will it into MY conscienceness, but that their energy only flows through my OWN fears and imaginings. Part of me is insulted. Part of me understands at an intellectual level. Part of me is a fearful child that will always be intimidated by the idea of this person; there doesn't appear to be hope of liberation. Is that ME holding my Self hostage? Can I liberate myself? I need to figure it out soon. I need to feel there is an end to abuse; that it can not be perpetuated into her next portion of her existence. What is one to think?

Low sodium diet. For the first time ever, she's on a low sodium diet. Now I have to read ever can and box and piece of sandwich meat container before it comes into the house. Oh joy. I brought her some chocolate cookies, the kind she likes, today. She is bloated up like the Michelin Man. I thought she'd lose some of that water today, but she is retaining so much water that she can't pull her panties up past her swollen belly. She doesn't feel bad, but she looks like crap with all the bruises and even a bit of torn skin. She said today "What would I do without you!?" I just said, "Well, you wouldn't be living here." She said, "I know, I'd be in a nursing home." I didn't think she had that much insight. She's more clear headed than I gave her credit for. She, thankfully, doesn't hurt or really feel bad. She sure looks like she was the looser in a fist fight though.

Going to court in the morning about one of my students. Work feels bad with the "critique" of my teaching style yesterday. Another teacher is trying to help me and that's nice.

I want to re-do the bathroom this weekend in the condo. I need to feel like I can go to the bathroom without being triggered. I need to do something where I can see the results of my efforts.

Meds today are helping to stabilize my anxiety. Still not back to feeling "right." I'll be glad when I can feel more "myself." I'll be better able to cope when I feel "right."

Betty came home from six days in the hospital after a sinus infection that caused her to have asthma problems. They've given her so much steroids that she looks like a beached whale. The puffiness is astonishing. The doctor assures us that the fluid build-up will go down, but it's frightening to see. The great irony is that for so many years she was depressed and didn't want to live. Now that she WANTS to live, her body is giving out and may not allow her to do that. My daughter got a peek at her medications tonight and was astonished at how complex and how many of them there were. She got some insight into what it is taking to "simply" do her meds. Even Betty is becoming somewhat impressed at the quantity she has to swallow in the morning.

I talked with her on the phone while she was in the hospital the other night and she is anxious about her and me living in sperate homes soon. She wants me to live with her. While not good for my mental health, I think she is admitting in a back-handed way how axious she is about dying alone. She wants the reassurance that someone could be RIGHT there if she needed someone. I suspect that her first few nights in the new place, I will have to stay with her just to ensure she doesn't walk into walls or get lost inside her own home. That presumes she will live until her house closing!

In the mean time I've managed to muck up my meds a bit and my anxiety levels are running HIGH. Not just because of the meds though. I had one of those "constructive" meetings with my supervisor where I was basically told to "haul butt" and keep the kiddies much more busy and in a more structured classroom. More crap to do do to look "competent." The frightening part is that they pulled out that great "positive reinforcer," the gentle threat that it's time for contract renewal and I better get my crap together or else (there might not be a contract renewal for the coming year). No pressures. No stress. No anxiety. Between Betty, the move, and a less than ideal work situation presently, I feel about ready to jump out of my skin! I'm beginning to feel, after years of being complimented for my competency, that I've suddenly become incompetent and I can't turn it around. Am I a filure? Am I incompetent now days? Ugh!