New job this year. Seems to be working out. Feeling burned by the last job location. More wounds. I can't figure out if I do something that invites people to wound me or if it's just pure dumb luck.

I need freedom from pain.

Go to the new site, at www.brownthrasher.blogspot.com

Good grief it's been two weeks since I last had time to draw breath and write here! One more month of school. One more month to clean up some stuff I need to have been doing all year. One month to get all those special meetings done. It will be a FAST month because I will be working, working, working! Betty seems to be in decent health (as much as someone who's dying can be), Kari had her prom this weekend, Jeny is inducted into a nursing honor society this weekend, and I'm hostessing a small party for the people who helped me move a month ago. I love having a household that is orderly and pretty. I love coming home to a place that is peaceful and which promotes calmness. It is the greatest blessing in my life in a long time.

My poor kitty was not making a good adjustment to being an indoor-only kitty. In a moment of insanity I took the prescription that my daughter gave me for his situation. I got my pet a pet. I went to the vet and asked if they knew of any adult female cats that needed placement. I went a visited the fellow and the kitty that Saturday. The following day they came over for a "date" and to see if the "arranged marriage" seemed to be one of compatibility. It took them several days to work out who had what role in the scheme of things, and being the superior one, the female is now in full ownership of the household. She is about a pound and a half smaller than Romeo and her name is Raven. We have this monochromatic thing going here, with a grey cat and a black cat. But they're settling in and the best part is that *I* get to sleep all night long because they play with one another, instead of Romeo coming to me and begging for attention during my REM cycle! It's a fabulous concept. She was formerly an indoor/outdoor kitty and with a buddy to keep her company she seems to be doing modestly well. I wish she'd get a bit better into the swing of things with a scratching post, but you can't have everything. In the mean time I just cover the furniture.

It's hysterical to watch to the two of them at night racing through the house doing nocturnal kitty play. As entertaining as one cat was, two is much more funny. I have Betty on the weekends now and it's such a relief and so much less pressure. I feel like I have a life, and that it's a pretty damn good one. I'm looking forward to "nesting" this summer. Two whole months to be decadant. I can't wait!

I'm going to church tomorrow, because of my meeting with the priest there this week. There are few people that I instantly like. I pretty immediately liked her. The parish cat roams the office freely. Millie sniffed me, but prefers the lap of her priest. I supposed someone could make a comment about a priestess and her "familiar," but I like the homeyness and informality. We talked for about an hour and a half. I told her WHY I was so concerned about getting the condo blessed and explained that I knew this was an irrational fear, but it was very real to me none-the-less. She was very understanding. She asked if we could wait until after Easter week and her daughter's graduation and do it in early June. Which is fine by me. However, she was understanding enough to say, that if she needed to get her butt over in a hurry she'd do it. She has her own wounds and is very understanding. I told her that while Betty is so medically fragile I didn't want to get REAL involved in church, but that I would eventually if people were nice to me. I did ask her if the guy who was my boss when I was at West Georgia that nearly gave me a nervous breakdown -- the job I had to quit -- if he went to church there. The good news is that he doesn't. That would make for a less than worshipful experience!

Today I went to the Dogwood Festival and an artist there did the most extraordinary batik pieces. I bought four lithographic reproductions of the originals. One is called "Blessing of the House." It is a Rabbi with his prayer shawl on holding up his hands to bless a house. Above him are the Hebrew words, "Spread your protection over our roof." The prayer shawl is made of the Hebrew symbols for "Know who you stand before." I really like the piece. I feel like I bring antiquity into my house in an elegant way, and that the hands of the Rabbi raised in a blessing pose, will help protect my home. The other three are also special. One is a colorful and stylized rendition of "Jonah in the belly of the whale," and a non-hokey, non-childish rendering of Noah's Ark. The last work is titled, "Woman of Valor." Around her are many symbols of home and hearth, a blue bird of happiness. The edges of the work have the Hebrew symbols which read, "Lucky is he who finds a woman of valor. You can trust her. She provides. She speaks wisdom, and she is compassionate." Out of the artist's Israeli roots, come some wonderfully meaningful and special pictures that I had to own (well at least the reproductions of them). These works speak to my heart right now. I feel privileged to own them. I am happy that I am at a place in my life where I could buy all four. I feel blessed, even as I feel anxious about what goes on around me right now.

I called St. Margaret's today and talked to The Rev. Hazel Glover. I asked her to come blass my condo. She asked me to come visit her. It felt very formal. I'm going to go see her tomorrow. I told a fried today that right now I'd use "spells," "chants," or "voodoo" to ensure my place was "fortified" against intrusion by anything supernatural. Geeez, but writing that makes me feel REALLY nuts. Ultimately though, after a lot of reflection, I really think that there is some energy that endures after we pass from this life. I do think that energy has the capacity to "visit" others. I don't want to be visited. So, I'm doing everything I can to make my space safe. Don't know if it will work, but I'm trying.

This week is my spring break. When I go back to school it will be a whirlwind of frantic activity as I do IEP's the rest of the year. I have been a lazy bum this week, but my back muscles are spasming out something awful. I'm enjoying nesting in a bit and have been decorating the place. The cat and I are having a competition to see if I can disturb his day sleeping as much as he disturbs my night sleeping. So far I'm losing.

I feel like I'm being "tested" with this visit to the priest before she'll come bless my place. I know part of it is that she wants to suck me into the church and get me to be a parishioner. I probably will be (as long as D.W and L.W. don't worship there. D. W. was the person responsible for making me leave a job about 4 years ago and it was quite awful. I would not find it to be a worshipful experience to go there if I was always afraid that he'd walk in. I'm such a wuss. I always run away from difficulty. With any luck the guy is a Baptist.

I talked with some friends the other day about this irrational fear I have. Funny how you can KNOW something is irrational, yet you are compelled to acknowledge that despite it being irrational, one believes it. If you think about it, God is rather irrational. There is only faith and no objective evidence of his/her existence.

What this DOES make me wonder about is WHAT does God influence, or control, of the things that occur on earth? If, "Everything works together for good to them that love God," then how do we account for the God-loving Muslims, and the God loving Christians and the God-loving Jews all being in conflict, unto death, with one another? How is that working together for good?

Someone suggested to me that I wouldn't be as.....empathic or sympathetic of a person if I had not been victimized. What kind of God permits people to attain insight through pain, so they can help others who s/he permitted to live through pain? THAT is irrational!

I acknowledge that crap happens to everyone and that I'm not exempt. Maybe crap doesn't have a moral label like "good" or "bad." Maybe crap is just crap. You've had your share of crap. Where is God in the crap? How do you live with the irrationality of the pain that has come into your life? Where is God in the middle of the grief that has come your way, and do you ever feel that God brought it to your door?

God and faith are so.....inscrutible. If God is not logical, then the world isn't logical or rational. How does one unravel all this? How do you make sense of pain and suffering in the world? To me it really seems to scream there is no God, rather than there is one. Yet, I believe. How irrational is that?

A dear friend with a long life and sensible thinking seems to believe I am a strong person. She is adamant about it. I have told her that I don't feel strong, but she comes right back at me that I am, and that is that, as far as she is concerned. If I didn't admire her so much and know what a sensible and strong person she is, I couldn't hear this. She has lived through her fair share of grief, sorrow and tribulation, but she thinks I'm strong. How can a person ever get a realistic picture or internal image of him/herself? Will I always be a sniviling victim in my mind? Will I always be afraid? Will there never be a time when I can just live and feel "normal"? Does there ever get to be a time in the recovery process where anxiety isn't a constant companion? I would like to think so, but I see no evidence of it just yet. I live in hope though.