You know, entropy sometimes just grabs hold of us. Somewhere in the scheme of things, I lost my anti-anxiety medication and ran out. I couldn't get anymore without just being off the medication for 10 days or so. I'm back on it now....but the anxiety of 50+ years has come back into my body. It will take a while to banish, but it's here now. I have spent the day trying to endure the reality. It comes to me in nauseating waves, and takes over my body. I can sleep and get some rest from it. I can take medicine, but I resist it...I'm not sure quite why except that it reduces my alertness and makes me dull feeling. I save it for true panic, not "mearly" my discomfort with anxiety. The chaos swirling around me is of my own making, and situational in relationship to the life-decisions I'm making. I know I'm doing a good thing for myself. But knowing that and feeling that are two things. Everytime I feel this anxiety I feel years of life being taken from my body. It makes me discouraged that even now, in the present day, my offender can steal my life away from me -- not just in the present, but also in the future. She wins when that occurs. She destroys, which was her intent all along. Her power seems very present and strong now.

Entropy feels stronger than organization and health. Wholeness feels far away and impossible to reach today. I'm feeling more physically well, but more spirtually and psychologically frail.