Kids are the most trying people and know every way possible to "bait" adults to the point that, at least *I* have thought seriously about hurting my child, though I didn't. Yet. And she's almost 27. BUT, tonight the problem is my ex-mother-in-law. She's become the exasperating child. Right now I'd like to shake her and YELL, "I'm the mommy, that's why!!!" Four and a half hours of doctor visits, treatments, trips to the pharmacy and her INSISTED visit to IHOP just got to be too much. There isn't a way to distribute the responsibility around until we get moved. In the mean time it's just me on the home front. It will be better for me soon, but it's not better NOW. And between all her meds, her demands, and her extensive and genuine needs, I'm about to go ballistic. I feel like I'm being petty and superficial for these feelings, but I also feel guilty because I'm wishing at this point that she'd just not wake up one morning. It's getting harder than hard.

Today Betty and I went to our respective new places and got another look. I took the camera to get pictures, and a tape measure to measure the window sizes everywhere. It's intriguing to me that I'm all of a sudden interested with uncommon fascination in window treatments and light fixtures. The practical me has always just gone to an outlet and found something cheap that I didn't hate. As I nest into this place, I want to be sure that everything is just so. I want a "look." I want to have window treatments that don't remind me of a funeral home, but do look chic and reflect my persona. The windows are the "clothing" for my house. They are a reflection of me. The me now wants the treatments to say something and I want to get it "right." I'm fascinated with getting lighting that suits the place and I'm so gratified that in the last several months I've gotten new furniture to take into it. I didn't know I was doing that at the time I got them. I'm a superficial woman caught up in ensuring my "nest" will be this great place to be in and a great place for others to see. That's a pretty drastic change. In 19 years, only 18 people ever visited my house. I see myself entertaining in this condo. I see myself perhaps not having parties, but at least having people over. This place will be a reflection of a different me, a more evolved me.

I think there are more people out in the world that are troubled than there are people who are happy or fulfilled, or even apathetic. There would be no market for Neil Simon or Woody Allen or such dark dramas as _The Hours_, if those dark feelings weren't so universal. I tend to see myself as something other than normal. Whateverthehell "normal," is. I look to others to see what they do, to try and figure out what I'm supposed to do -- often. I don't do it as much as I used to, but I still do it. I'm 51 and still don't necessarilly know what I'm "supposed" to feel at any given moment. For example, many at the movie were visibly moved, and weeping at the end, and my friend was asking, "Are you ok"? I looked at that movie and went, "Yeah, that kind of wracking decision-making is my life." It made me realize that others identified with it deeply or empathesized with the characters at a minimum. I'm a little confused about which it is. Perhaps it just tugged at their heartstrings like that scene in _Michael_ where the little dog is run over and Michael resurrects him. Or, does everyone identify with that wracking moment where you aske the question, "Do I choose to live, or do I wish more to die?" I don't flirt with death anymore. But I remember that feeling. I remember that desperation. I remember how awful that felt. Is that the universal that everyone seemed to feel in that theater? Which or both? The last big dark pit that I fell down into was a crisis of religion. Down in the bottom of the pit I didn't know what to believe or feel. I was so uncertain of what to claim as my belief. I started at the bottom of that pit emptied out and afraid. I didn't know what to claim as a my "faith," or my "higher power," or if I could find any strong feelings of connection ot a "Creator" or "God/ess." It was stopping the religious beliefs I had grown up with and searching around and trying to find what the adult me was willing to claim. For a while, when I was so emptied out, I was so frail and so uncertain, that I decided that my "Higher Power" was my therapist. He was the most stable and on-going relationship I'd ever had. In that fragile state, I put all my eggs in his basket, though he never knew. I've moved on. I still have questions and still don't feel certain of anything. The world has opened up a little for me. My world was very small. It is still in many ways. But in matters of religion, it's gotten a little bigger. I have been hiding away for a while now. I haven't been being a part of my chosen religious community. I miss it. Upcoming changes in address will change my worship location, likely. I wish that could stay the same. I find comfort and safety there. Comodities that I don't find easily. I want very much to get some stability in this area. I need more than I'm getting. I am uncertain and somewhat disconcerted about worship and where that will be in the near future. I need to be fed spiritually. I need that. I want to see this as an opportunity, but it's hard. I want to be one of those people that can go with the flow and find peace and happiness wherever I land. It's hard though. I've only known a couple people in my life that could do it. They set increadible examples. They made themselves happy no matter what situation they found themselves in. I need to take a page from their spiritual book.