If life is a journey, why does there have to be so very many potholes on the roads we take? Am I just hopelessly neurotic and so anxiety-filled that all I can do is go from one pothole to another? Or does everyone have these potholes one after another, and I'm just a weakling? I have to wonder sometimes if all is chaos, and no one else has noticed, or if the chaos is only around me? I fumble along and fumble along and sometimes I feel like I've got things about organized, and then entropy assaults me from every side. Does that happen to everyone, or am I just a magnet or perhaps even a creator of it?

How do other people KNOW when their choices are good choices? In the middle of change, how does any person wade through their life and know their decisions are "right." Especially when other people's lives are involved. There is almost a stronger urge to make "good" decisions for that other person than for yourself. Yet, there comes a point when the swirl of chaos means a decision HAS to be made. What to do? Where is the "right"? Where is the pathway through all the muddle of feelings, facts and realities?

I feel like I have found a way through some of my concerns. I have been pre-approved for the loan to get the condo. I want it. The ONLY drawback is no covered parking. Just getting to this point seems a miracle. I never dreamed that I could do this on my own. The payments will be staggering and the loan assumes I'll live to be 81. HA! Is this the direction that is "right"? Am I desperately grabbing for something, just anything to get out of "the cave"? Should I wait? Should I move ahead? Is there any way to know that the direction one chooses, is the "right" one?

Betty is "rich" in land and investments, but is facing confusion about how to structure her money for the end of her life and where to live. She has a house picked out. But her loan is much more complex. She may have to let the house go. Should I let the condo go? Is there something better out there? Should I go slower and look through my options more? Should I settle in and just wait for her to expire here, and then move later? Where is a path of clarity? I need clarity. I need some sense of clarity. Does anyone else feel this uncertain for such a long time, and such conflict -- anyone that's "normal"? Or is this kind of hellish uncertainty saved specifically for survivors? Or neurotics? Or maybe just nuts like me? I would like very much to pull back a curtain and see a clear pathway. I don't mind the change, I just need to know that the pathway I take is the "right" way through all the potholes. Unfortunately I want to know that while I'm going down the road. I don't want to look back 10 years from now to see my folly. I don't want time to show that I was stupid or that I hurt others by my decisions. How do you know when you're in the middle of all this stuff? How do you know in the moment? A miracle happens (loan approval) and I can't appreciate it fully because I'm stuck wondering if the pathway is right, if my choices are good, if what I am am doing is right for me and those I care about. I'm emotionally drained and anxious and uncertain and frustrated and excited (actually elated) and just plain mad that with all the care and concern of all involved that I can't figure out the "right" pathway through this confusion.

OK, Betty got to look at the house again. It's in Breman about 1/2 mile from her grandaughter. For whatever strange reason, she got it in her head plain enough tonight that we really couldn't continue to live in the middle of no damn where. She made an offer on the house and put down ernest money. By the grace of God/ess she accepted gracefully that I was NOT, NOT, NOT going to live with her and that I would be in a separate residence about 30 seconds away. I put down ernest money on a sweet little condo that is just the perfect size, is emaculately clean, has a small storage attic, and comes with the appliances I don't have, and doesn't have the appliances I do have. There is central heat and air. I haven't lived with central heat in 20 years!! Central air is only a dream I've had generally in July and August. I have to call a man tomorrow and lay my credit history naked in front of him. I have to reveal my financial stupidity over the years and HOPE beyond all HOPE that they will lend me money to buy this condo. It is the answer to a desperate prayer for more help!! I can reach out and get help from two or more people to help with Betty's care. I will be able to join in with people I love and want to be with much, much more easily. The trade off is probably losing my church family and an extra 15 minutes to my commute. I'll take it. Betty looked so frail and weak. She asked at one point where we were? Were we in Villa Rica? (No, Breman -- she just bought a house in Breman.) She also pondered aloud, "Does the house have a second story?" We explained to her TWICE that it had an attic with dormers, but no upstairs. She replied, both times, "Good, I don't want an upstairs." Hard to believe that she IS competent, but she's been more cogent lately than usual. Kari stood us up for the appointment with the realtor. Her statement of resentment and refusal to go along with the best interest of Betty, but a wrenching from friends, the only home she's ever known, and the total reluctance to change her life. Seventeen is a hard year when your dad is dead, your mom doesn't give a crap about you and you live with a senile, dying grandma. There is good and bad. Overall, in my view, this is scary but positive. I'm relieved and filled with all new anxieties. Especially as I have to bare my financial soul tomorrow to a strange man who I'm going to ask for something close to $100,000. Yikes!

My personality doesn't lend itself to indecision. I used to think "Lead, follow, or get out of the way!" Then I found out that the author of that statement was Adolf Hitler. Maybe I can find a different quote of similar sentiment. I just want there to be a decision made, and let's get on with life. Unfortunately, I don't have the financial means to just do what *I* want to do, and let everyone else figure out what they're going to do in their own time. I know what I want. It's clear to me. There's just $18,000 reasons why I can't make that happen. I talked to Jenny last night about my frustrations, and she seemed to think we could trancend the current reluctance, but I have my doubts. I hope she is right and I am wrong.

My family is making me CRAZY! My mother-in-law doesn't want to move unless I live WITH her. Her grandaughter that is 17 and a senior in high school doesn't want to move away from the home she's lived in all her life, even though she'd be able to finish school at the high school she already attends. Betty has dimentia and alzheimers and heart failure and will likely change her mind 48 times in the next 20 minutes, but it is SO increadibly frustrating to finally find an answer (houses/condos that won't sit there forever!) and then the lowest common denominator wins out. We are keeping this woman out of a nursing home. She doesn't get it. A 17-year-old doesn't get it. I'm going to have to "resign" from being a pinch-hitting nurse if things can't get straightened out. I want to just scream! I'm close to just ditching the whole mess and letting someone else deal with things. Does this sound petty? I hope not. But I'm friggin damn frustrated. I NEED stability. I NEED stability!!!!!! I NEED STABILITY DAMN IT!!!!!!

A much-needed family meeting allowed everyone to gather up their anxieties and say them out loud. I feel like a thousand pounds of tension has been lifted off me. Change IS coming. But with some engineering, it won't be unpleasant change. A plan has been formulated that most of us can swallow, but which puts me in my original goal, a condo. If the fates are kind at all, I'll get into this thing and never have to move again. I can just hunker down and get old in a place that doesn't have obstacles for me to manage (too many stairs -- too much space -- too much yard). My postage-stamp yard will accomodate some birdfeeders and the addition of a privacy fence will give me all the patio I need. My commute will be 30 minutes one way to work, but there are actually potential jobs in the area, even given my super-specialized area of teaching. I have peace about this solution. I just pray that the rest of the family and the financial package can be put together to make it all happen. I've asked people to pray for our family. I'm hoping that we are doing what we need to do to be sensitive to the Betty's needs, while not sacrificing ourselves unnecessarily. It's so hard. The next few months are going to be challenging. I hope we can make this work out as well as I presently think it might. It's causing me to lose a lot of stomach lining though. A lot.