I had planned to take today off for some doctor visits and some relaxation. It worked out that I went to the doc then ran around and got all the details ready for the mortgage guy. I have complied with the requirements of the realty broker to qualify within the proper period of time. According to the mortgage guy, he sees no reason I shouldn't qualify by tomorrow. I have to officially inspect the house and I want to take some pictures so that I don't have to rely on a flimsy memory. The nicest surprise of the day was finishing my 2000, (yes, you read that right) tax return and finding out from "Mr. T" (that's really his name) the tax man that I get a REFUND! It is worth the hassle of paying for the tax man when he fixes things so you get refunds! I have to ramp up for the busiest time of the school year now, and try to figure out how to do a move in the next while. Just the thought makes my stomach churn.

Something new has been happening this week. I've been going to the chiropractor and I think he's getting my TMJ adjusted into proper alignment again after several years. It helps so much to ease the muscle spasms. I feel like my body is healing in some ways and it gives me some sense of hope that the tension I fight in my body will ease.

Over the last year, the way my body feels has changed. I seem to be taking on more tension in some specific areas, but releasing it in others. At times, I can actually relax a bit and not feel like I'm likely to implode from the anxiety and the weight of years of PTSD. I get a little sliver of hope sometimes that I'm getting better, and then something happens that startles me when the average person wouldn't experience that. Then it's all back. I will be profoundly glad to be in the new place because there are bathroom fans there, and bathroom smells are terrible triggers for me. I am hoping that such a small improvement will give me some relief from old, old triggers.

A part of me feels like this is God/ess, the Creator, fate, or Karma to get this condo. Everything has just fallen into place. Every detail of getting myself (not necessarilly Betty) fixed up properly for this endeavor has just fallen into place. I know I agonize over everything. But today, one after another thing just fell into place. It just seemed that it was my destiny to live in this place. That doesn't mean that I don't have anxiety. I do. Changes are on the horizon but I feel like I'm dealing with it -- sort of. Most days.....not all the time....but more now than not.

Tomorrow I get absorbed back into the world of my job. I have to figure out what to attempt to teach. What I would like to perhaps teach next year. I have many things pressing on me that need to be done at work in the near future. The pressure I feel seems to generate more anxiety. It's a vicious circle. I want to be happy about the house, but it is scary to me that something good may potentially happen. Good things don't happen to me. And if they do, I am often frightened that they come with a price tag attached to them. I had to "earn" my Christmas presents and birthday presents when a child. They wern't just gifts. I had to earn them and came to see that as "payment" for good things. Now there is this really huge, new, nice place that I might live, and I'm feeling like the universe will exact a terrible price for so much good. I hope I am wrong. I hope I'm just being neurotic as hell.

Each day since Wednesday has brought new revelations, new decisions, new ideas, and new ways to feel anxious. I talked to a girlfriend today and she said, "So basically you're calling me to tell me you're anxious about your life coming together?" It seems to me that no matter what happens, I have to feel anxious about it. Good, bad, indiferent: I have to feel anxious about it. If nothing happens, I'd feel anxious. If something good happens, I'd feel anxious about it. I can deal with bad things, I know how to deal with bad stuff. I don't know how to deal with good. And, it freaked me out that someone (the banker guy) will have to be intrusive into my financial affairs (and folly). I still feel like I'm having to dodge potholes. I still feel anxious. Between work, caretaking, my personal life and the pull and tug of responsibility to others, I wonder, "How and when will I move, and what money will I be using to do this"? Part of me goes, "Windows! I am going to have windows to trim and rooms to decorate!" Part of me is going, "I won't be able to afford to flush the toilet, go out to eat or take a vacation for the next 30 years!" Am I just being anxious because I can and it's habitual? Or, does everyone feel anxious like this when they are in the middle of change this drastic? It's so hard to know. I think I'm supposed to be feeling elated. I'm just obsessively going over "what-if's" in my mind. I've done a spreadsheet of expenses, and it's scary. I've worked second jobs for years. I don't want to do that anymore. Yet.....it's where I think I want to be. I think. I'm scared I'll get there and not like it. Or that I won't have money to fix my car if it breaks, or that I'll be so far away from things that I will end up just living in a nice place but not having a life. How do other people make these life decisions? Do they agonize over them like this? I can pick out a couch. I can pick out an armoir or a refrigerator. But a condo and 30 years of debt? That twists my stomach into a considerable number of knots.