Watching someone else die, certainly gives one a peek at our frailty as beings, and to our own potential frailty in the times to come. Of all the things that I am at the core of self, one of the biggest issues I have is "control." A strong need for control. A driving need to feel like things are not out of control -- that I have some impact on my sourroundings and circumstances. What I see happening with my dear Mother-in-Law is that as she loses more and more of her faculties, and cognitive functioning, she loses more and more "control." While I try to be "cheerful" about things, I bring her breakfast because she can't get up and do it herself any longer. I take her pills to extend her life, yet she sleeps about 18 - 20 hours a day. She doesn't sleep that much by choice anymore. She really needs to rest that much to be able to breathe and to be able to be awake the few hours she does move about and is awake. Her major "recreation" is watching television. She no longer reads. In the evenings, I fill her vaporizor and take her meds so that she doesn't forget those. Her day is punctuated by the visitations of others: me, the meals-on-wheels person, and the cleaning lady. It frightens me that she can and does drive about 15 miles into town about once a week now. She is so unaware of her surroundings and she has no sense of alertness anywhere in her body now, that it frightens me what she might unwitingly do (or not do) to potentially cause an accident which might hurt someone else. I hesitate to take away this last vestige of "control" she has over her life, because soon we will relocate and she will not know her way around and will likely discourage her from attempting to drive anywhere. I hope. Her health is a day-to-day changing and fluid situation. As much as I loath seeing a once-vital woman reduced to idiocy, each day is a small victory. It is my hope that she and her loved ones will not have to deal with such a lack of control such as her being totally bed-ridden. It is my deep desire, that one morning I just won't be able to wake her up. Life doesn't always give us our wish though, and so as I see her, I see myself and wonder where I will be someday, and if anyone will care enough for me to bring me breakfast when I can no longer get it? Will I be graced with a swift departure from this world, or a slow and boring one? Will I too become a person bound to a wheelchair in a nursing home, picking endlessly and hopelessly at the tethers that hold me to a handrail across from a nurses station? Fate can deal us some pretty hard cards to play. At least my driving need for control will likely be destroyed by cognitive deterioration, and maybe I will be as clueless as she is about her surroundings, and the ebb and flow of her life. Maybe.

I had a dream some time back that I recently became aware of again. That dream has been a very strong de ja vue experience, much like a couple others I've had in my life. When they occur like this, I know that I've followed the destiny I am supposed to have followed. I can't wait to move. I want to get into my new, lovely place NOW. I won't like the drive, but I want to nest in a nice spot. I want to have warm around me. I want to get up in the mornings and have all the plumbing work. I want to be able to make breakfast using an OVEN (something I haven't had in 20 years). I want soft carpet under my feet, and my daughter around the corner. I am concerned about my cat. I don't know if he will make a good adjustment and he's such a sweetie and I love him so much. He is a part of my heart; he and I will have to work on adjusting.

On a separate note, I went up to the house today and pipes seem to have come through the cold OK. By contrast, the bathtub here broke it's little handle again. I bought a new handle today and will install it tomorrow in my "spare" time.

I talked to someone today that thinks they know someone who can vacuum my condo for me weekly. I've decided that the best way to handle vacuuming is to have someone else do it when I'm not there. It's an extravagance, but I think it'll help me keep what's left of my marbles. The other thing I've been thinking about is papering or painting the bathrooms pretty quickly. The shade of green in there is very evocative and I'd just as soon get rid of it. Fast. I'm up to painting or papering something as small as these bathrooms! I hope next weekend will be warm enough that I can go up to the house and do some packing.

Sleepy now, must relax some and try not to think too much.